I fell asleep tonight around 9:30pm while laying next to Aaron helping him go to sleep. I didn't intend to stay there asleep b/c I usually wake up after 5 minutes and are able to get up and put myself to bed. Bryan went to the grocery store. I woke up at 10:30pm extremely groggy and had a hard time having the energy to do anything: brush teeth, etc was a big chore. With Bryan's help we were in bed around 10:45.
12:30 I wake to crying Aaron. He fell out of bed the other night and just needed a hug to go back to sleep. I figured it was the same and didn't take my glasses with. (I always take my glasses). I was half way to their room when Emily calls out, "Mom he's throwing up!" Sure enough he was.
He's never thrown up before poor guy. He was sad and moving around and got his bed and the girls' bed yucky. Praises be for an echo-y tile house and that Bryan woke up to help. His first task was to get my glasses, and then he moved the girls to our bed, removed all the sheets and remade the girls' bed. I helped the boy get cleaned up and calmed down, started a load of laundry and remade his bed. We moved the girls back and I laid down by Aaron to help him go to sleep while Bry went back to bed. I had sung a lot of songs when I laid down with him the first time. He seemed tired and I knew it wouldn't be long this time. So I hummed You are my Sunshine and then had the idea to hum We Thank Thee O God for a prophet. Church songs I usually hum are I love to see the temple, I am a child of god, I wonder when he comes, and I'm trying to be like Jesus. Every now and then I'll do the prophet song but faith, church, and God for me has been not super great recently. It's a long story but in essence I rebelled against the thought to hum that song b/c of how I feel right now. But actually I had a fantastic church experience last Sunday (another story) and so I said to myself okay I will hum it. (This conversation in my head took less than 3 seconds).
As soon as I started to hum it I felt a strong impression that I needed to go find a general conference talk (that idea came to me Sunday night of conference but I haven't had one thought of conference since then) and it need to be the Pres. Uchtdorf talk that I remember I liked. When he gave it, or what it was about I had no idea. I just knew it needed to happen now, in the middle of the night. So I finished with Aaron, moved clothes to the dryer, and was starting to put the next load in when I felt a sense of urgency to go read. I couldn't even take the time to start a load of laundry? Okay I'm interested and intrigued if this really is you talking God.
The talk? You Matter to Him from Saturday morning. If there ever was a message to get in the night when you have some doubts about God, that's the one I would pick to send to myself.
Plus when I was almost done reading I could hear Aaron up again and I was able to get him out of the girls' bed that he'd climbed into; right before throw up number three. That event could have altered my life in a very negative way. I am imagining throw up on girls' hair which would wake them up, shower them = fighting and screaming kids, no clean pillows for them, etc. Like I said, it could have been a terrible fiasco.
Instead I was reading, heard stirring, pulled him out bed to his own, when his heaving started I grabbed a blanket. Clean up was wiping the yucky out of his mouth and taking the blanket away. When I think of a caring God, that was one. Especially coupled with His message He wanted me to know.
When I read the talk the part that stuck out to me was: "He sees you as the being you are capable of and designed to become." That line doesn't really appeal to me logically or emotionally so I feel it's not from me, but the message He would have me hear. The whole last part of the talk was really good. The parts I like are: "He knows you. He loves you... If you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful... He wants you to know that you matter to Him. May we ever believe, trust..."
This is my happy news so I wanted to share it. And I wanted to remember it for me because it's a really cool story. I am headed to bed with a carefree, in awe, happy attitude thinking, "Huh, I matter!" Kind of like the flower picking game- he likes me!
4 comments:
thanks for sharing. sorry to hear of your struggles, but happy to hear of your small victories in working through them.
i just went to TIME OUT FOR WOMEN this weekend, and the the theme was about becoming - becoming the woman God means for you to be. what you were talking about in your message is exactly what we heard all weekend.
and a big part of the message was that you are not alone in your doubts, in your discouragement. brad wilcox gave a great talk on a time in his life where he had big doubts, lack of testimony, and discouragement, but finally found the answers he was seeking. they didn't come soon, all at once, or when he asked for them. they came little by little, like your experience you shared. but on the other side of his experience, when his doubts had been replaced with assurance, he said he would have never learned what he did if God didn't make him take that walk of faith.
i think that's probably where you are right now. good luck on your walk of faith. it's good to know that God is still with you as you grapple in the dark. i really liked that talk, too.
Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate your honesty
Love you Maegan. Thanks for sharing. God truly works in a simple, but miraculous ways.
I went and read this talk after reading your post. Thanks! I needed to hear it to. I am amazed at the love that Heavenly Father gives to me and my family. Hugs to you
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