Grateful that I matter to him

I fell asleep tonight around 9:30pm while laying next to Aaron helping him go to sleep. I didn't intend to stay there asleep b/c I usually wake up after 5 minutes and are able to get up and put myself to bed. Bryan went to the grocery store. I woke up at 10:30pm extremely groggy and had a hard time having the energy to do anything: brush teeth, etc was a big chore. With Bryan's help we were in bed around 10:45.

12:30 I wake to crying Aaron. He fell out of bed the other night and just needed a hug to go back to sleep. I figured it was the same and didn't take my glasses with. (I always take my glasses). I was half way to their room when Emily calls out, "Mom he's throwing up!" Sure enough he was.

He's never thrown up before poor guy. He was sad and moving around and got his bed and the girls' bed yucky. Praises be for an echo-y tile house and that Bryan woke up to help. His first task was to get my glasses, and then he moved the girls to our bed, removed all the sheets and remade the girls' bed. I helped the boy get cleaned up and calmed down, started a load of laundry and remade his bed. We moved the girls back and I laid down by Aaron to help him go to sleep while Bry went back to bed. I had sung a lot of songs when I laid down with him the first time. He seemed tired and I knew it wouldn't be long this time. So I hummed You are my Sunshine and then had the idea to hum We Thank Thee O God for a prophet. Church songs I usually hum are I love to see the temple, I am a child of god, I wonder when he comes, and I'm trying to be like Jesus. Every now and then I'll do the prophet song but faith, church, and God for me has been not super great recently. It's a long story but in essence I rebelled against the thought to hum that song b/c of how I feel right now. But actually I had a fantastic church experience last Sunday (another story) and so I said to myself okay I will hum it. (This conversation in my head took less than 3 seconds).

As soon as I started to hum it I felt a strong impression that I needed to go find a general conference talk (that idea came to me Sunday night of conference but I haven't had one thought of conference since then) and it need to be the Pres. Uchtdorf talk that I remember I liked. When he gave it, or what it was about I had no idea. I just knew it needed to happen now, in the middle of the night. So I finished with Aaron, moved clothes to the dryer, and was starting to put the next load in when I felt a sense of urgency to go read. I couldn't even take the time to start a load of laundry? Okay I'm interested and intrigued if this really is you talking God.

The talk? You Matter to Him from Saturday morning. If there ever was a message to get in the night when you have some doubts about God, that's the one I would pick to send to myself.

Plus when I was almost done reading I could hear Aaron up again and I was able to get him out of the girls' bed that he'd climbed into; right before throw up number three. That event could have altered my life in a very negative way. I am imagining throw up on girls' hair which would wake them up, shower them = fighting and screaming kids, no clean pillows for them, etc. Like I said, it could have been a terrible fiasco.

Instead I was reading, heard stirring, pulled him out bed to his own, when his heaving started I grabbed a blanket. Clean up was wiping the yucky out of his mouth and taking the blanket away. When I think of a caring God, that was one. Especially coupled with His message He wanted me to know.

When I read the talk the part that stuck out to me was: "He sees you as the being you are capable of and designed to become." That line doesn't really appeal to me logically or emotionally so I feel it's not from me, but the message He would have me hear. The whole last part of the talk was really good. The parts I like are: "He knows you. He loves you... If you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful... He wants you to know that you matter to Him. May we ever believe, trust..."

This is my happy news so I wanted to share it. And I wanted to remember it for me because it's a really cool story. I am headed to bed with a carefree, in awe, happy attitude thinking, "Huh, I matter!" Kind of like the flower picking game- he likes me!

Home-less

I am currently sitting on my couch in my living room in our house in North Salt Lake. I am also in a rental house with a contract in Oro Valley until the end of November. I am under contract to purchase a different home in Oro Valley that potentially could be mine in less than a month. Three homes and yet I am home-less. The term homeless to me really means a person who doesn't have a physical home (like guys at a shelter) but I am using this term to define how I am feeling.

I discovered I had this feeling yesterday, the second day away from our rental house. Our second day in our house in North Salt Lake.

Back Track: We left Utah for Tucson at the end of August. We packed up our house for it to be used as a furnished vacation rental while we were gone. There were three piles: the stuff to take with us, the stuff to pack in storage because we didn't want to take it with us but didn't want anyone else using, and the stuff we kept out for other people to use/destroy/take. In preparation the house got cleaned and repaired. Mostly it got de-familyized. All the stuff that made it uniquely ours got taken out/down so it would be okay for lots of other people to move in. Now it's a nice house but less home-ish.

We moved into a furnished vacation rental home belonging to Jack and Lynn. Through online pics I found I liked their home but was concerned their house was too nice to move in with kids. Lynn and I then talked and we discussed how my kids only eat on hard floors and don't jump on couches and I felt it would be okay. We signed a four month lease. We now had freedom to decide if we wanted to live in Tucson and buy a home, or call it quits and go back to Utah. Week 1 in their home- great. We loved discovering all their animal decorations and thus our new 'pets'. Pool was great, we damaged 1 or 2 things. Zero interest in house hunting. Week 2- pool great, organizing going good. Week 3- not so much keeping with my toy organization, not so much pool. Damage done to something in garbage disposal. Starting to look at homes. Week 4- toy chaos, no pool time, damage mounting. Gave up doing house hunting alone and hire a realtor. Week 5- I am feeling way done with being in someone else's house with their stuff we are wrecking and not the right stuff I need (garlic press where are you?, no cheese grater either?). This rental house isn't home. Just a nice hotel with a place to put our stuff for a long while until we find a home.

House hunting in Tucson. Bryan wants a, b, c and I want d, e, f. Having different goals make it challenging to find a house. But if you look closely the letters do have some things in common, like a and e (they are round, short vowels). He wants biggish house, big land with a pool. I want smallish house, fruit trees, good neighborhood, We (read Bryan) starting looking casually in January. We hired realtors in March and did serious house hunting for a while. We drove out in June to see a place. Bryan went out in July to finalize and he walked away in the last stages. September we fired our realtors, went it alone and then hired someone else. The house we have under contract is a good house and a good house for us. We are not in love with it. House hunting is getting old, let's just find a house and move on with life. We were in love with our home in North Salt Lake from the moment we stepped foot inside of it. Is buying a house kind of like marriages- none as good as the first?

And yet I still held out that my Utah house was home. Six weeks away and we were coming back to see how we felt. For the first half of the first day it was home. The maids were cleaning the inside of it, so we first all ran around outside. "Hooray, the strawberries were growing! There's one that's ripe- Emily got it." Then to the backyard where we sat on rainy wet swings and slides and ran around the grass. We mourned no trampoline, checked out all the flowers. Then to the inside where we ran all around seeing and touching our house. The girls headed downstairs to check the toy room and then upstairs to check their beds. Aaron goes upstairs to find toys and was happy until he realized he is now far away from mom whereas in our rental he was always close by.

Kids get home from school and all the world is fun. Friends everywhere! "Can _____ play at my house? Yes!" Our friends, our family. Then I go inside to our freshly cleaned house and realize that we are very messy. Suitcases, dishes from lunch, drinks, shoes. It all has to be spotless again in a week's time. Don't get too comfy, we aren't living here anymore. And that's the home-less. Where is home? Definitely not the rental. Not our new home. Not our old home either.

But I think I found it today. The feeling of home. It started in church when all my friends were there. They hugged me and said welcome home. My community who cares about me and loves that we was there. It was good: noticing, saying hi, caring, love.

But the real home feeling came in my garage after church today. Em and Ash, Maddie, Jeni, Kole, Jonathan, David, Aaron, Nathan were all around. Making fairy stews and a fire pit, and playing monster high and babies and mom. In my garage around my card table and getting out at infenitum all the things they get out which I hate cleaning up all summer long. Croquet set, bikes, toys, buckets, rocks in piles, leaf/flower petal piles, leftover snack crumbs, folding chairs, etc. And I went out there to eat my lunch b/c I wanted to see Aaron. And there it was. Home. All those kids whom I love so much sharing, playing, talking and laughing. And it was home. I even shared my Vietnamese pork bowl (which Bryan bought for me the night before) with Kole. Even when David was hogging all the toys because he was mad b/c the kids weren't playing his game. Home. I felt understanding for their struggles because I knew them so well, happy they all had each other as friends, proud of where they'd come and how they'd grown, hopeful for their futures. Plus nice weather and yummy food were going on. Lovin' it.

Home is not a building, an address or a mortgage payment. Home is a feeling, a sense of comfort, belonging, acceptance.

So now what?