Arizona Hideout

We migrated south for part of the winter and were down in Tucson, AZ for 3 weeks with my family- Mom, Garrett, Dad & Marlene, Carlie & Kade. The weather and hospitality were warm. We did 2 hikes, watched the rodeo, picked oranges, Emily participated in a rodeo with some extended family, Bryan worked a lot, Emily got to go visit my mom at her school for a few days, Aaron threw my mom's phone in her pond, Bryan took Em & Ash each on their own date to get a mani/pedi. We hung out with Garrett and his girlfriend Elizabeth, we went swimming, took Grandpa's dog on a walk, went house hunting with our realtors, ate, talked, stayed up late, ate cookies, went running. You know, good stuff. We got home on Saturday March 12th. It was nice to come home.

So now I feel like I am standing on the crossroads. Do we buy a second home in Tucson? Do we move there? Here are some topics rolling around in my brain regarding this decision...

--myself and who I want to be. To me this decision to buy a second home indicates too much wealth and somehow crosses the line. But on the other hand it's nice and would be fun. But I feel this sense of fairness like if we are paying $x to a second mortgage then we need to pay the same amount to charities every month. But handing money out to charities is a limiting gratification b/c you don't see the smiles, change, hope or the love that comes from true service.

--Mormon vs uncertainty. When I am honest with myself I hate my religious doubts, so I instead ignore them most of the time. I feel like I'm supported by my past beliefs and the current beliefs of those around me. I can find things at church I agree with some times, although other times I can not. If I leave here I feel I would be exposed more to my own self and it's not a happy prospect.

--community vs people who will take a while to know. We've lived in Utah about 5 years. That's a long time to know people. To voluntarily leave to be with strangers feels odd. I hope for other friends but I am happy with my friends here. When we decided to move to Utah initially, I would joke to Bryan that we were serving 5-7 years in Utah and then we were out. Now that my sentence is up, I realize I am comfortable with my confinement.

--known vs unknown. I am not a huge fan of change. I attribute that to me becoming a mom b/c before kids I wanted to travel the world. In any rate, I like my changes to happen slowly. Bryan doesn't operate that way instinctively. He is a thinker, and then a doer. He's a dreamer and he dreams big. He is unsatisfied staying here anymore and once he gets excited about something he pursues it hard and fast. If it were up to him we'd have been under contract a week ago.

--homeschooling vs public education. This question is linked into my next topic but is different too. When I read homeschooling mom's blogs, I feel empowered. I feel like we homeschooler moms are saving our kids, and are holding fast to values that aren't being taught, specifically being together as a family. Then there is educator side (of me and my mom) that says where is the scope and sequence- where are you going with your teaching? How do you measure where you've been? What if you miss something? And is homeschooling for Emily with her attention issues really the best thing for her? I trust my mom would do a great job as a teacher for Emily but do I trust the system that she has to operate under to be supportive too? (i.e. low class size, too many other kids with high needs that need teacher's attention, transition time takes so long with many people...) Also am I neglecting other family members at the expense of homeschooling (yes I am) and is it worth it?

--keeping kids close vs strength in numbers. We live in a neighborhood that has 5 young good families with kids. My kids are drawn to play with those kids a lot. While in Tucson Ashley came to her dad asking him to play dolls a lot more. I see value in having good friends and their families who help raise my kids, but Bryan sees the value in having the kids learn to rely on their family more. The kids are going to turn to friends eventually .... Who knows what the future brings? I am always surprised how much I think I am loose about somethings only to realize I am really as much of a control freak as the next mom.

--running away or loathing to stay. Bryan is loathing to stay and excited about leaving but I think he is running away from Utah and his part in this culture here. Utah is a strange place where religion is so wrapped up in everything. I don't see the weirdness anymore but I know when we first came here it was obvious. I guess I am a part of the weirdness now.

My questions of the night:

Really who am I? Where do I picture my future with our family? Who do I hope my kids will become and how can I get them there? Why are there behaviors that are annoying from my kids that I can't seem to figure out or recognize? Why do Bryan and I have different objectives and why does that feel like because they are different I can't do/get what I want? What do I really want? There is part of me that wants my days to be spent being with and teaching my kids and this other part of me who wants to help the greater good, help the hurting masses. But who are these nameless people and why do I think I can help them anymore than I can help my own kids? Why is it easier to serve people when you don't know/understand and it's easier to give and love rather than hear the reasons why? I feel excited about visiting new places and having someone take me around to the places who is familiar. Like Garrett take me around where he lived in Mexico- in part to learn about the place, it's culture, people and food but also find a way to serve there too.

Tonight I thought about going to see a counselor to figure out why I felt so confused. After this self-counseling session I can see why I feel so conflicted.

Latest family updates: We are running the Ragnar Relay in June and it's going to be a blast. I am team captain and it's more work than I appreciated to coordinate 12 runners, the details of the event and manage my own running schedule. Today was a great day in homeschool (translated Aaron didn't scream at me the whole time). Actually he wasn't around for most of it come to think of it. We did potato print painting this morning, which Aaron did get to do. Aaron left for the neighbor's house while we did a quick run to the library and then on to Ashley's first gymnastics class. She sat on my lap the entire 50 minutes and refused to do any events but says that next week she'll be ready. Emily starts tomorrow. We read 8ish books, played a U.S. state geography game, made and ate green bread. Then the girls did busy work/homework. Played outside with friends. Practiced piano. Good day. Bryan is in WA with his brother Drew.