Arizona Hideout

We migrated south for part of the winter and were down in Tucson, AZ for 3 weeks with my family- Mom, Garrett, Dad & Marlene, Carlie & Kade. The weather and hospitality were warm. We did 2 hikes, watched the rodeo, picked oranges, Emily participated in a rodeo with some extended family, Bryan worked a lot, Emily got to go visit my mom at her school for a few days, Aaron threw my mom's phone in her pond, Bryan took Em & Ash each on their own date to get a mani/pedi. We hung out with Garrett and his girlfriend Elizabeth, we went swimming, took Grandpa's dog on a walk, went house hunting with our realtors, ate, talked, stayed up late, ate cookies, went running. You know, good stuff. We got home on Saturday March 12th. It was nice to come home.

So now I feel like I am standing on the crossroads. Do we buy a second home in Tucson? Do we move there? Here are some topics rolling around in my brain regarding this decision...

--myself and who I want to be. To me this decision to buy a second home indicates too much wealth and somehow crosses the line. But on the other hand it's nice and would be fun. But I feel this sense of fairness like if we are paying $x to a second mortgage then we need to pay the same amount to charities every month. But handing money out to charities is a limiting gratification b/c you don't see the smiles, change, hope or the love that comes from true service.

--Mormon vs uncertainty. When I am honest with myself I hate my religious doubts, so I instead ignore them most of the time. I feel like I'm supported by my past beliefs and the current beliefs of those around me. I can find things at church I agree with some times, although other times I can not. If I leave here I feel I would be exposed more to my own self and it's not a happy prospect.

--community vs people who will take a while to know. We've lived in Utah about 5 years. That's a long time to know people. To voluntarily leave to be with strangers feels odd. I hope for other friends but I am happy with my friends here. When we decided to move to Utah initially, I would joke to Bryan that we were serving 5-7 years in Utah and then we were out. Now that my sentence is up, I realize I am comfortable with my confinement.

--known vs unknown. I am not a huge fan of change. I attribute that to me becoming a mom b/c before kids I wanted to travel the world. In any rate, I like my changes to happen slowly. Bryan doesn't operate that way instinctively. He is a thinker, and then a doer. He's a dreamer and he dreams big. He is unsatisfied staying here anymore and once he gets excited about something he pursues it hard and fast. If it were up to him we'd have been under contract a week ago.

--homeschooling vs public education. This question is linked into my next topic but is different too. When I read homeschooling mom's blogs, I feel empowered. I feel like we homeschooler moms are saving our kids, and are holding fast to values that aren't being taught, specifically being together as a family. Then there is educator side (of me and my mom) that says where is the scope and sequence- where are you going with your teaching? How do you measure where you've been? What if you miss something? And is homeschooling for Emily with her attention issues really the best thing for her? I trust my mom would do a great job as a teacher for Emily but do I trust the system that she has to operate under to be supportive too? (i.e. low class size, too many other kids with high needs that need teacher's attention, transition time takes so long with many people...) Also am I neglecting other family members at the expense of homeschooling (yes I am) and is it worth it?

--keeping kids close vs strength in numbers. We live in a neighborhood that has 5 young good families with kids. My kids are drawn to play with those kids a lot. While in Tucson Ashley came to her dad asking him to play dolls a lot more. I see value in having good friends and their families who help raise my kids, but Bryan sees the value in having the kids learn to rely on their family more. The kids are going to turn to friends eventually .... Who knows what the future brings? I am always surprised how much I think I am loose about somethings only to realize I am really as much of a control freak as the next mom.

--running away or loathing to stay. Bryan is loathing to stay and excited about leaving but I think he is running away from Utah and his part in this culture here. Utah is a strange place where religion is so wrapped up in everything. I don't see the weirdness anymore but I know when we first came here it was obvious. I guess I am a part of the weirdness now.

My questions of the night:

Really who am I? Where do I picture my future with our family? Who do I hope my kids will become and how can I get them there? Why are there behaviors that are annoying from my kids that I can't seem to figure out or recognize? Why do Bryan and I have different objectives and why does that feel like because they are different I can't do/get what I want? What do I really want? There is part of me that wants my days to be spent being with and teaching my kids and this other part of me who wants to help the greater good, help the hurting masses. But who are these nameless people and why do I think I can help them anymore than I can help my own kids? Why is it easier to serve people when you don't know/understand and it's easier to give and love rather than hear the reasons why? I feel excited about visiting new places and having someone take me around to the places who is familiar. Like Garrett take me around where he lived in Mexico- in part to learn about the place, it's culture, people and food but also find a way to serve there too.

Tonight I thought about going to see a counselor to figure out why I felt so confused. After this self-counseling session I can see why I feel so conflicted.

Latest family updates: We are running the Ragnar Relay in June and it's going to be a blast. I am team captain and it's more work than I appreciated to coordinate 12 runners, the details of the event and manage my own running schedule. Today was a great day in homeschool (translated Aaron didn't scream at me the whole time). Actually he wasn't around for most of it come to think of it. We did potato print painting this morning, which Aaron did get to do. Aaron left for the neighbor's house while we did a quick run to the library and then on to Ashley's first gymnastics class. She sat on my lap the entire 50 minutes and refused to do any events but says that next week she'll be ready. Emily starts tomorrow. We read 8ish books, played a U.S. state geography game, made and ate green bread. Then the girls did busy work/homework. Played outside with friends. Practiced piano. Good day. Bryan is in WA with his brother Drew.

Cute laugh

I have known how to play this song since I can remember. I call it the dancing song for obvious reasons. We have neighbor kids who will dance with us to this song. I love Aaron's laugh.

February 12th

Here's a peek into my thoughts of the day.

--Morning. How is asking my daughters to get ready for the day seem to elicit this repeated cycle? 1) I ask/outline what I expect for the morning 2) Girls happily agree 3) They go upstairs after breakfast and Emily lays on her bed with a book. Ash either gets out dolls to play or her clothes to start on the list. 4) I come in with a reminder 5) I get Aaron ready so he won't bother the girls 5) They didn't get ready and now I start ramping up- the reminders, the rewards, the consequences..... It goes on until tears. Tears of sadness by Emily that she didn't do it and is missing out. OR tears of joy by Emily because Ashley came in to save her day. OR tears of joy by mom that they both did it without fighting, complaining or taking 2 hours. What am I asking them to do every day that would take such drama? 6 things: breakfast, dressed, hair, teeth, make bed, clean clothes away. I used to have potty on there. Today I added one extra Saturday chore of clean their room including their closet. Ash was done in 30 minutes. Emily 3 hours.

--Home schooling. I found several new blogs from homeschooling moms that I am so stoked about. I was feeling down about myself today but I find that reading these blogs perked me up and I am now also empowered with new ideas!

--Running. Bryan is doing it a lot. I need to get out more. I need to figure out when I am going to run/work out consistently. Arizona is coming and then I will run more. Ragnar relay race is in June and I am team captain and I think we have all our runners. A few question marks but mostly good. I am now aware I need to be in good shape and, as Bryan reminded me, be ready to attend captains' meetings and find 3 race volunteers.

--Service. What a strange phenomenon. I filled my day today with giving to others. Which is the kind of thing I dream about doing. http://fromtheunpavedroad.com/ is about Michelle Perry's journey as a service missionary in Sudan working with 100+ orphans. I love reading about her and get inspired every week when I get her updates. Today I hosted a cookie party (10-11 a.m.) with two 7-year-old boys I wanted to have meet each other so they could be friends. One got sick and didn't come and the other got in a fight with a neighbor kid and ran hiding scared in the basement. Coupled with the fact that Emily cried b/c she missed most of her party b/c she was goofing off, there were 3 fights, and Aaron ate cat poop and other kids went home with cat poop on them, I label this as in the fail category. I could see the happy kids with cookies that went home or the neighbor couple that came to our home for the first time and Bryan had fun hanging out with them. But I feel frustrated. Then I went to help out serving food at a funeral for 2 1/2 hours. The people didn't show up to eat until the last hour and I left feeling like the work was just beginning when I had to leave. I felt unsuccessful. I am also frustrated at what a waste of time sitting for 2 hours was for all these moms who have families to be at home with. People do not seem to have consideration for women who take all that time who are the R.S. presidency- who is already doing so much! I am annoyed the church for playing a weird game about it too. Plus they asked us to feed between 100-300 people and 41 show up. GRRR. I could be looking at what a good opportunity it was to talk with a woman who had her daughter's family with 3 kids just move into her smallish house. And to hear how much she loved having them there despite the kids' loudness and appreciate that my mom is feeling the same way making me more excited to go to AZ next week.

And while babysitting for neighbor kids tonight and dealing with their fights, I get a phone call that the boy who I'd had over earlier for cookies was now going to the ER for a broken foot that he got at my house during a fighting game with Emily. Although he did learn to play Guess Who? for the first time, I still feel unfulfilled. What isn't working??

And yesterday I tried to read to a 4-year-old girl who doesn't have someone that reads to her. I know b/c she didn't know that I had to see the words to read- she put her hands over the words and insisted that the book be only in her lap. I was pumped- I could read to her and show her what a special thing it was to share a book, just she and I. It didn't work for some reason- she or I were both distracted. Didn't work. I guess I feel failure today. Which means I must have put my trust in man to fill me up. I didn't turn my service to God and have it be enough no matter what it looked like. I want to be filled with the romance Michelle talks about.

--Valentines Day. What do I make for breakfast? I think red pancakes that I will cut a heart shape into. I am in charge of a valentines day party but I am grouchy at Emily's teacher b/c she's new and doesn't know how to be a good teacher. Me feeling grouchy about her teaching is transferring over to the party. And I am grouchy that I am feeling grouchy about it.

--One more. One more lesson to teach in nursery tomorrow before I am released as nursery leader. Last week before our trip. Last week to get taxes ready before we leave. Last PUD deposit needs to happen. One more night to try our new bed and decide how I am going to get a good night's sleep.

--Faith. Reading the Book of Mormon is hard for me. I am reading along with my R.S. group and I'm on page 90. I am feeling a stark contrast between the judgements, hellfire, fire, this confusing Isaiah language I am deciding is meant to trick you, etc with the love, joy, peace, resurrection, sitting with them of the New Testament. Have you read Luke 24:53 recently? I long for that. I like reading Heidi Baker's book Compelled by Love a lot. I feel weird about my faith. I wish it to be different. But no amount of wishing does anything. I need action and yet I don't. I did have a good fasting Sunday last week. And God did hook me up with a home teacher when I had just decided that I wanted one. He's tricky good like that. And I do have amazing friends of faith who know when I am out of sorts and call me on it. And my awesome husband who puts up with me doing a cookie party, being gone for about 3 hours and having kids over to babysit on Valentines Day weekend. And he helped out with all of it- uncomplaining. And even let me take a bit of his sweet pork taco even though I told him I didn't want him to buy me anything. I am feeling that letting this all out has left me on a brighter, clearer note. A great way to start the Sabbath.

Plus you can't help but smile at our newest Yot in the Pot. Aunt Amy bought Ash the pink-orange yot that you see on the floor. Aaron wanted a turn too. (From Wocket in My Pocket by Dr. Seuss )

My Only One

Why is it that my dear sweet husband gets the least amount of my service/ time every day? And he hardly shows up on my blog or in pictures. What is the deal yo?

Well here is me telling him, myself and the world what a great guy I have. Because I think we all should hear it. Bryan has been in my life for over 10 years- our first date was in Nov. 2000. I've had him for 1/3 of my life and I am the luckiest woman. He is my best. I call him B, Bry, Baby, Lover, Homie. He is also

creative (A poet, florist, carpenter, feng shui creator in his studio, home decorator)

initiator (His studio room dream became a reality; if he wants it he goes to get it)

supporter (So I can do homeschool, book club, exercising, volunteer, etc)

lover (I don't think he has ever said one negative thing about me, not even in jest)

listener (If I care about family, friends, kids, health, or religious stuff he will listen)

playmate (He will go dancing for me. It hasn't happened in a while, but that still says a lot)

massage therapist (For 1 hour! and then he tucked me into bed. What else does a girl need?)

mr. dishes (It seems that I always appreciate this more when he doesn't do them)

he laughs at my jokes (I think we are both laughing more- maybe we are funnier)

he called me out with "I know you" and he was right (The story was Emily had 2 zits on her thigh that she showed us right before bed. She called them her king and queen zits and they were. I told Bryan I was debating going in to pop them while she was sleeping but I was just kidding. He said, "You were only half kidding. You were considering it. I know you." He was right.

therapist (he helps me see things about myself that I do and do not like to see)

smart (he's a genius- computers, patents, etc. He can do whatever he puts his mind to)

board and card game competitor (He wins Settlers, I win Yahtzee; the rest is about even)

he likes my family (we are going to Tucson again next month- yay!)

chef (I make food; he cooks! A sight and taste to behold. His specialties are Thai, Indian & Vietnamese foods and whole wheat waffles w/ fresh strawberry syrup)

To top it all off, he works from home. His job makes it possible. He makes it happen. He spends a lot of time helping out around the house, asking me if he can do anything for me, playing with kids, changing dirty diapers. For me that means I get to enjoy my mom job all the more.

We do not have the same beliefs on parenting, religion, technology, watching movies, or how early to put out the garbage can out on the street. We both like playing with our kids, the Colbert Report, smoothies, outdoor sports like biking, running, rock climbing and skiing, tempura sushi, playing music together, massages, and taking vacations.

I am glad he calls me wife, finder of lost things, someone he can be his real self around, mother of his 3 children and Mae.

New Years Eve

Christmas Eve morning

What: 2 mile hike

Where: Catalina State Park in Tucson

When: 12/24/2010 10:30a.m.-12

Who: Grandpa David, Marlene, Garrett, Bryan, Maegan, Emily, Ashley and Aaron

Aaron was tired and cranky and got lots of shoulder rides whereupon he figured out many new tricks to torment the person give the ride, including pulling ears really hard, putting fingers as far into your ears as possible, clapping both hands over ears at same time to create a weird painful pressure. Not too mention his regular tricks of pulling hair and wiggling like crazy to get down. Emily loved making little sand piles and calling them ant hills.

Candle Hour

We tried something new this year during the month of December called Candle Hour. We burned one tall red candlestick w/ 24 dots (white-out) down one dot each night while we read part of the Christmas story. We read from Bible and other Christmas books and we sang songs. I have never really had an advent calendar and wanted one that was meaningful. So I made this list of all the characters and places in the Christmas story (donkey, innkeeper, heavenly hosts, sheppard's field, star, etc) and the girls drew each part of the scene each night. Here they were in our home before we packed them up to take to AZ; Emily's on the left and Ashley's on the right. We did it at night after Aaron had gone to bed, otherwise he whines loudly that he can't color (read:eat) the markers too. Some of my favorite memories include the first time my whole family sat down together with scriptures open and read from them together, the sheppard family of 9 that Ashley made complete with 3 girls named Hannah, Sariah and Mirium who all took turns holding baby Jesus, the night we were drawing cattle and oxen to be in the stable and Emily drew a whale instead, Ashley making the heavenly host be our family of 5 all holding different musical instruments, Emily naming her donkey Gilbert, and Ashley learning and loving the song "Far Far Away on Judea's Plain" so we sang it 8 times in a row.

Lest you think differently, most nights went like this- Bryan is putting Aaron down when I call for candle hour. There is about 15-20 minutes before everyone comes [this is now the time I would usually put them to bed]. We would light the candle with one of the girls being the O.C.L. (Official Candle Lighter) which occasionally we would forget who did it last which resulted in a big fight, sing a Christmas song which half the time the girls don't know but we tried, then I pass out Bibles and there is Ashley getting mad that Emily might be having her Bible and Emily being reluctant to start. We read the few versus about the person or place we will be drawing and I launch into teaching mode where I ask questions, draw conclusions and am really excited about what I am talking about, and Bryan goes into bored mode and sometimes leaves or starts playing with his cell phone and then I get mad he is distracting the kids. We then get out markers, paper and talk about drawing. Emily either starts right away and Ashley tries to copy her style but can't exactly and ends up crying & is carried off to bed with her picture not finished. Or Emily gets distracted by trying to sneak another bedtime snack, I get mad and Ashley is left to her own creativity and ends up making it the wrong size and then she launches into crying and wailing and is again carried off to bed in tears. Poor Ashley wanted to do it but it was too late and she was tired.

All in all I think it turned out positive and I love the girls' Nativity scene posters. The Anna and Simeon night was where I was touched the most. The two people who came to Mary and Joseph as they presented Jesus at the temple. For some reason the regular nativity story is almost routine to me but hearing two more people testify of Jesus being the chosen one was powerful to me. I also was touched by the fact that all these people (Mary, Joseph, sheppards)were just regular people doing their own things and God used them as his tools. He is doing the same for us now. At the end we finished with the wise men and on the 24th we talked about what our gift to Jesus would be. I think we give to Jesus as we are kind to others. As we did Candle Hour we got to have a regular reminder of what Christmas was all about. It made it easier to keep the focus on family, love, and sharing and less on the presents and I liked it a lot.