February 12th

Here's a peek into my thoughts of the day.

--Morning. How is asking my daughters to get ready for the day seem to elicit this repeated cycle? 1) I ask/outline what I expect for the morning 2) Girls happily agree 3) They go upstairs after breakfast and Emily lays on her bed with a book. Ash either gets out dolls to play or her clothes to start on the list. 4) I come in with a reminder 5) I get Aaron ready so he won't bother the girls 5) They didn't get ready and now I start ramping up- the reminders, the rewards, the consequences..... It goes on until tears. Tears of sadness by Emily that she didn't do it and is missing out. OR tears of joy by Emily because Ashley came in to save her day. OR tears of joy by mom that they both did it without fighting, complaining or taking 2 hours. What am I asking them to do every day that would take such drama? 6 things: breakfast, dressed, hair, teeth, make bed, clean clothes away. I used to have potty on there. Today I added one extra Saturday chore of clean their room including their closet. Ash was done in 30 minutes. Emily 3 hours.

--Home schooling. I found several new blogs from homeschooling moms that I am so stoked about. I was feeling down about myself today but I find that reading these blogs perked me up and I am now also empowered with new ideas!

--Running. Bryan is doing it a lot. I need to get out more. I need to figure out when I am going to run/work out consistently. Arizona is coming and then I will run more. Ragnar relay race is in June and I am team captain and I think we have all our runners. A few question marks but mostly good. I am now aware I need to be in good shape and, as Bryan reminded me, be ready to attend captains' meetings and find 3 race volunteers.

--Service. What a strange phenomenon. I filled my day today with giving to others. Which is the kind of thing I dream about doing. http://fromtheunpavedroad.com/ is about Michelle Perry's journey as a service missionary in Sudan working with 100+ orphans. I love reading about her and get inspired every week when I get her updates. Today I hosted a cookie party (10-11 a.m.) with two 7-year-old boys I wanted to have meet each other so they could be friends. One got sick and didn't come and the other got in a fight with a neighbor kid and ran hiding scared in the basement. Coupled with the fact that Emily cried b/c she missed most of her party b/c she was goofing off, there were 3 fights, and Aaron ate cat poop and other kids went home with cat poop on them, I label this as in the fail category. I could see the happy kids with cookies that went home or the neighbor couple that came to our home for the first time and Bryan had fun hanging out with them. But I feel frustrated. Then I went to help out serving food at a funeral for 2 1/2 hours. The people didn't show up to eat until the last hour and I left feeling like the work was just beginning when I had to leave. I felt unsuccessful. I am also frustrated at what a waste of time sitting for 2 hours was for all these moms who have families to be at home with. People do not seem to have consideration for women who take all that time who are the R.S. presidency- who is already doing so much! I am annoyed the church for playing a weird game about it too. Plus they asked us to feed between 100-300 people and 41 show up. GRRR. I could be looking at what a good opportunity it was to talk with a woman who had her daughter's family with 3 kids just move into her smallish house. And to hear how much she loved having them there despite the kids' loudness and appreciate that my mom is feeling the same way making me more excited to go to AZ next week.

And while babysitting for neighbor kids tonight and dealing with their fights, I get a phone call that the boy who I'd had over earlier for cookies was now going to the ER for a broken foot that he got at my house during a fighting game with Emily. Although he did learn to play Guess Who? for the first time, I still feel unfulfilled. What isn't working??

And yesterday I tried to read to a 4-year-old girl who doesn't have someone that reads to her. I know b/c she didn't know that I had to see the words to read- she put her hands over the words and insisted that the book be only in her lap. I was pumped- I could read to her and show her what a special thing it was to share a book, just she and I. It didn't work for some reason- she or I were both distracted. Didn't work. I guess I feel failure today. Which means I must have put my trust in man to fill me up. I didn't turn my service to God and have it be enough no matter what it looked like. I want to be filled with the romance Michelle talks about.

--Valentines Day. What do I make for breakfast? I think red pancakes that I will cut a heart shape into. I am in charge of a valentines day party but I am grouchy at Emily's teacher b/c she's new and doesn't know how to be a good teacher. Me feeling grouchy about her teaching is transferring over to the party. And I am grouchy that I am feeling grouchy about it.

--One more. One more lesson to teach in nursery tomorrow before I am released as nursery leader. Last week before our trip. Last week to get taxes ready before we leave. Last PUD deposit needs to happen. One more night to try our new bed and decide how I am going to get a good night's sleep.

--Faith. Reading the Book of Mormon is hard for me. I am reading along with my R.S. group and I'm on page 90. I am feeling a stark contrast between the judgements, hellfire, fire, this confusing Isaiah language I am deciding is meant to trick you, etc with the love, joy, peace, resurrection, sitting with them of the New Testament. Have you read Luke 24:53 recently? I long for that. I like reading Heidi Baker's book Compelled by Love a lot. I feel weird about my faith. I wish it to be different. But no amount of wishing does anything. I need action and yet I don't. I did have a good fasting Sunday last week. And God did hook me up with a home teacher when I had just decided that I wanted one. He's tricky good like that. And I do have amazing friends of faith who know when I am out of sorts and call me on it. And my awesome husband who puts up with me doing a cookie party, being gone for about 3 hours and having kids over to babysit on Valentines Day weekend. And he helped out with all of it- uncomplaining. And even let me take a bit of his sweet pork taco even though I told him I didn't want him to buy me anything. I am feeling that letting this all out has left me on a brighter, clearer note. A great way to start the Sabbath.

Plus you can't help but smile at our newest Yot in the Pot. Aunt Amy bought Ash the pink-orange yot that you see on the floor. Aaron wanted a turn too. (From Wocket in My Pocket by Dr. Seuss )