Home-less

I am currently sitting on my couch in my living room in our house in North Salt Lake. I am also in a rental house with a contract in Oro Valley until the end of November. I am under contract to purchase a different home in Oro Valley that potentially could be mine in less than a month. Three homes and yet I am home-less. The term homeless to me really means a person who doesn't have a physical home (like guys at a shelter) but I am using this term to define how I am feeling.

I discovered I had this feeling yesterday, the second day away from our rental house. Our second day in our house in North Salt Lake.

Back Track: We left Utah for Tucson at the end of August. We packed up our house for it to be used as a furnished vacation rental while we were gone. There were three piles: the stuff to take with us, the stuff to pack in storage because we didn't want to take it with us but didn't want anyone else using, and the stuff we kept out for other people to use/destroy/take. In preparation the house got cleaned and repaired. Mostly it got de-familyized. All the stuff that made it uniquely ours got taken out/down so it would be okay for lots of other people to move in. Now it's a nice house but less home-ish.

We moved into a furnished vacation rental home belonging to Jack and Lynn. Through online pics I found I liked their home but was concerned their house was too nice to move in with kids. Lynn and I then talked and we discussed how my kids only eat on hard floors and don't jump on couches and I felt it would be okay. We signed a four month lease. We now had freedom to decide if we wanted to live in Tucson and buy a home, or call it quits and go back to Utah. Week 1 in their home- great. We loved discovering all their animal decorations and thus our new 'pets'. Pool was great, we damaged 1 or 2 things. Zero interest in house hunting. Week 2- pool great, organizing going good. Week 3- not so much keeping with my toy organization, not so much pool. Damage done to something in garbage disposal. Starting to look at homes. Week 4- toy chaos, no pool time, damage mounting. Gave up doing house hunting alone and hire a realtor. Week 5- I am feeling way done with being in someone else's house with their stuff we are wrecking and not the right stuff I need (garlic press where are you?, no cheese grater either?). This rental house isn't home. Just a nice hotel with a place to put our stuff for a long while until we find a home.

House hunting in Tucson. Bryan wants a, b, c and I want d, e, f. Having different goals make it challenging to find a house. But if you look closely the letters do have some things in common, like a and e (they are round, short vowels). He wants biggish house, big land with a pool. I want smallish house, fruit trees, good neighborhood, We (read Bryan) starting looking casually in January. We hired realtors in March and did serious house hunting for a while. We drove out in June to see a place. Bryan went out in July to finalize and he walked away in the last stages. September we fired our realtors, went it alone and then hired someone else. The house we have under contract is a good house and a good house for us. We are not in love with it. House hunting is getting old, let's just find a house and move on with life. We were in love with our home in North Salt Lake from the moment we stepped foot inside of it. Is buying a house kind of like marriages- none as good as the first?

And yet I still held out that my Utah house was home. Six weeks away and we were coming back to see how we felt. For the first half of the first day it was home. The maids were cleaning the inside of it, so we first all ran around outside. "Hooray, the strawberries were growing! There's one that's ripe- Emily got it." Then to the backyard where we sat on rainy wet swings and slides and ran around the grass. We mourned no trampoline, checked out all the flowers. Then to the inside where we ran all around seeing and touching our house. The girls headed downstairs to check the toy room and then upstairs to check their beds. Aaron goes upstairs to find toys and was happy until he realized he is now far away from mom whereas in our rental he was always close by.

Kids get home from school and all the world is fun. Friends everywhere! "Can _____ play at my house? Yes!" Our friends, our family. Then I go inside to our freshly cleaned house and realize that we are very messy. Suitcases, dishes from lunch, drinks, shoes. It all has to be spotless again in a week's time. Don't get too comfy, we aren't living here anymore. And that's the home-less. Where is home? Definitely not the rental. Not our new home. Not our old home either.

But I think I found it today. The feeling of home. It started in church when all my friends were there. They hugged me and said welcome home. My community who cares about me and loves that we was there. It was good: noticing, saying hi, caring, love.

But the real home feeling came in my garage after church today. Em and Ash, Maddie, Jeni, Kole, Jonathan, David, Aaron, Nathan were all around. Making fairy stews and a fire pit, and playing monster high and babies and mom. In my garage around my card table and getting out at infenitum all the things they get out which I hate cleaning up all summer long. Croquet set, bikes, toys, buckets, rocks in piles, leaf/flower petal piles, leftover snack crumbs, folding chairs, etc. And I went out there to eat my lunch b/c I wanted to see Aaron. And there it was. Home. All those kids whom I love so much sharing, playing, talking and laughing. And it was home. I even shared my Vietnamese pork bowl (which Bryan bought for me the night before) with Kole. Even when David was hogging all the toys because he was mad b/c the kids weren't playing his game. Home. I felt understanding for their struggles because I knew them so well, happy they all had each other as friends, proud of where they'd come and how they'd grown, hopeful for their futures. Plus nice weather and yummy food were going on. Lovin' it.

Home is not a building, an address or a mortgage payment. Home is a feeling, a sense of comfort, belonging, acceptance.

So now what?

Love

Today our hometeacher came and shared this month's message from Pres. Monson entitled Love At Home. During the lesson B.J. asked what love at home includes. Ashley answered, "A fridge." Yes. Love with family is eating together. Emily answered, "A house." Yes. A home to keep us safe; to play in. I answered, "Love for God and for each other." To me that would look like praying and praising together. Showing respect and courtesy to each other.

I just read an entry on my friend (who I've never met) Michelle Perry's blog about love. Michelle is a single woman from the midwest who gave her heart to God to be his missionary. She currently lives in Sudan Africa where she lives in an orphanage with 120+ kids helping share God's love in that part of the world. I was introduced to her through her book Love Has a Face. She wrote a post about the same topic.

I am feeling the love of God more in the last week than I have. It feels good.

"Love looks like...

safe boundaries.

not being left to cry alone.

bandaging open wounds until they heal.

someone to color with.

seeing beyond what is visible to what is true.

being willing to be chalk covered and so tired you mix three languages and speak nonsense.

making time and space for each others special needs (we ALL have them).

grace for those who fear what they do not understand.

rainbows on paper and cement and us.

patience in the waiting.

taking time to guard a gate to a world that might bring harm.

hugs and smiles when you feel more like a good cry.

like laying aside the necessary and the pressing for the eternal that outweighs them all.

trusting Jesus really does have a plan for getting done that which needs getting done. He really, really does.

those who have been forgiven much, rescued from life's deepest pits coming tenderly to the rescue of this one still struggling to find the light.

sitting on a mat on a hot July afternoon with some of heaven's greatest treasures.

Love looks like lessons in Mercy."

Lagoon Fun

July 19th Tuesday we went to Lagoon for Emily's family birthday celebration. The kids loved all the kiddie land rides.

Our favorite part was Lagoona beach. The giant water park in the middle of all the roller coaster stuff. The girls really got into the fast dark tube water slide rides with daddy. Aaron and I mostly hung out in the toddler area.

We finished up our day with Emily and Bryan on a fast zoom skyward and fall down fast ride. We all went home tired and happy. Aaron fell asleep in the car in less than 2 minutes.

We had planned to do this trip on Emily's actual birthday but Bryan was leaving town the next day for a house hunting trip to Tucson.

Happy 7th Emily

Emily turned 7 on July 20th and we celebrated! Birthday morning we did breakfast waffles in bed with pink milk. After that, she and her dad went to the store and picked out her birthday cake: patriotic with her name inscribed in pink.

We did cake and singing mid-morning before Bryan left for Tucson. The rest of the day Emily spent enjoying family phone calls (and one from Geoffrey the Giraffe who lives at Toys R Us), opening some presents (including a new pizza baker barbie from Ashley), and jumping on the trampoline.

The only sad part on her birthday was dad accidentally took our only mail key and so we couldn't get to the birthday cards and packages in the mailbox until a couple days later.

Pioneer Days

The girls ran a 1K in the Handcart Days Race on Saturday, July 23rd. Bryan was in Tucson looking at homes. I woke up at 5:45 a.m. to get myself and 3 kids out the door by 6:55 for a 7:45 a.m. start time. I was feeling very pioneerish in my endeavors to get to my destination. I also persevered as I stayed after the race in the long line for breakfast and then an hour wait time until the carnival rides started. Shout out to the real pioneers!

Pioneer Pete's 1K: Ashley Hanks got 1st place in her age group! Start time- 7:45:00 Finish- 7:51:14. Total running time- 6:14.

So obviously it was a short race. Emily's bib didn't register but she came in around 7 or 7.5 minutes.

Ashley's Talk for Primary on June 24th-

I have been asked to give a talk about pioneers. The pioneers worked hard and sacrificed to build the temples.

Pioneers were people who walked a long ways to come to Salt Lake City. They lived in a time before cars and TVs.

The pioneers worked hard to build the Salt Lake temple. Sacrifice means to give up things to other people who might need them. Some pioneers sacrificed their beautiful china dishes. They built the temple walls by using smashed up plates to make it sparkly and shimmery.

I am going to tell a story about a little boy who didn’t play while he sacrificed to build the temple. He helped bringing lunches to the dads who worked at the temple. His name was Brigham Thomas but his nickname was B.T. He lived close to the temple and he was nine-years-old.

We want to keep temples holy and God had the idea to build them. People can sometimes get married in them. No running inside temples. God wants us to have temples so we could have a place to be reverent in.

I like the statue of Moroni on the top of the temple. I feel that I will get to go inside someday. In Jesus Christ name, amen.

Mueller Park

Our family campout on July 14th. It was decided the sleeping outdoors part takes a lot of work and that the other parts of camping are way more fun. So we went to the state park by our house (~15 minute drive) and did our "camping."

We brought blankets, steaks, lighter, carrots, apples, firewood, drinks and frisbees. And that's it! No tent, pillows, undies, toothbrush, etc. It was beautiful. I only forgot the charcoal which was easily remedied as we drove by Dicks supermarket. The bug spray I didn't remember at all until we needed some, but luckily there were other friendly "campers" who shared.

The kids had a blast throwing rocks in the river. There is something entertaining about finding a rock and choosing carefully how you are going to reach it without falling in the water (which was freezing!) and then watching it make a splash.

Aaron especially loved running around everywhere. Nothing like open spaces, rocks, and dirt to get a guy excited. He is a tricky kid because he doesn't have a sense of how far is too far to run ahead and likes to keep us all on our toes.

Ashley loved wandering around. She liked using the handkerchief as a hat style and trying soccer. She is the one who makes sure Aaron didn't get into too much trouble.

Emily loved looking at a small snake (found by another group) and collecting river rocks. Also, she and Bryan bravely crossed the river via fallen log.

Bryan was an excellent fire starter, protector of Aaron falling in the river, steak cooker, and kid helper.

I caught the photography bug that night and loved watching my family do their things. We watched a squirrel for a little bit, ate a yummy dinner, built a bonfire for desserts-smores and banana smores. We had lots of crying for falling down, sand/water in shoes, or sister being a pest; but that is nothing new.

Being in the woods was a wonderful experience and we were very glad we got to go. We collected river rocks to put in a vase displayed in our kitchen as a memory for the day. Check it out next time you are around.

Why Tri?

Race day sat June 25th. South Davis Rec. Center. Me in my swimsuit and goggles with my 4 cuties cheering me on.

start time 8:52 a.m.

swim 150m 4:16 mins

transition 1:39 mins

bike 2.4 miles 10:13 mins

transition 13 secs

run 1.5 miles 11:44 mins

total time 28:05 mins

I did better than my first tri i did last year. (See blog on Sept 6, 2010)

Since I hadn't trained for my race last year and yet got first place, I had nowhere to go except down from there as Bryan so thoughtfully pointed out. Last year I did the same race in 31:06 mins so I improved in my time by 3 minutes overall and came in second place.